Tuesday, 19 March 2013

a mothers fear...

.... I know I'm not alone in this so if this is a battle for you - be encouraged!!

Fear is a constant struggle for me.. fear of something happening to my children, husband, parents, sisters, brothers, etc etc...

Ever since I found out we were expecting our baby it has been an even bigger battle for me. Having lost 3 precious babies before conceiving Theo I was on tender-hooks constantly during my pregnancy - fearing the worst!
I prayed and prayed and surrendered and surrendered and trusted God but it was something I had to do over and over and over again. Daily. Hourly. Minute by minute.

It was the sweetest moment when he arrived. Safe, healthy and totally perfect. I relaxed and enjoyed every precious minute with this darling child.

However sin is an insidious thing.. it creeps in and takes hold of your heart sometimes even without you noticing.. I was caught up in the delight of my baby and love of my family and wasn't guarding my heart and my mind.

2 Corinthians 10:5  ... bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ...

Slowly but surely my fears returned.. I would read a story of a child hit by a car and suddenly would want to stop my dear ones from biking.... or of a baby that had died of cancer and I was sure that this would soon be my baby... or a mama dying of cancer and icy fear would grip my heart and I was sure this would be me...

I had lost my peace. My trust. My assurance that I serve a Good God. 

I had allowed fear to rob me of Joy.

I had lost perspective.

I was speaking to a dear friend yesterday and she was such an encouragement. It is not enough to just discard those fearful, anxious, sinful thoughts - we have to surrender. Give them over to our dear Father who holds our hearts so tenderly... He has ordained ALL our days... we cant add even one more through worrying and fretting. 
Then we need to confess... repent for not trusting, not submitting not acknowledging that He has planned all for His Glory.
Finally... believe. 

Isaiah 14:24  Surely just as I have intended so it has happened, and just as I have planned so it will stand.

As God plans... so it stands. Yes any of these tragedies might happen... we have no guarantee of even one more day here on earth but I do have assurance that He has everything in His hands and I can fully trust in His Goodness.

I am reading more of Ann at the moment in a effort to change my thinking to one of Thankfulness and Gratitude.. I loved what she quoted from Julian of Norwich...

See that I am God. See that I am in everything. See that I do everything. See that I have never stopped ordering my works, nor ever shall, eternally. See that I lead everything on to the conclusion I ordained for it before time began, by the same power, wisdom and love with which I made it. How can anything be amiss.

The thing is... its not enough to just discard the fear, we must replace it with Truth. We must believe that God is in total control... that he holds us in the palm of His hand... that He has not given us a spirit of fear but of love, power and sound mind. We must dwell on that which is True and be anxious for nothing and believe with all our hearts that when we do this the peace of God which surpasses ALL understanding will guard our hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Without God's Word as a lens... the world warps (Ann Voscamp)


  1. perfect timing, friend xo

  2. Beautifully written Kate and you have shown your heart in this piece. We always need to here about one anothers struggles and how God works with us in that particular struggle. Makes us human as well as saved. Thank you.

  3. wow Kate, this is a beautiful post from the heart of a beautiful friend. Thank you for being so honest in your fears and reminding us all where to turn. Love ya. P.s. Never did do the fresh pasta dish.

  4. you most certainly are not alone! xo

  5. Ann Voskampf's one thousand gifts and blog are daily inspirations for me as well!

    I know exactly what you mean about illogical haunting fears...Reading your post was such a good reminder that we do need to let out and surrender, and that means everything not just a little here and there. Thank you for sharing :)

  6. Thanks for sharing.....I "see" families like yours and I'm just pierced with jealousy. I would love to have a bigger family and just think all of your pregnancies must have been easy - with no sorrow. I'm reminded again how wrong I am and I can't judge anyone. There's no way to know what someone is going through or has experienced.

    1. Hi kathy.. thank you for your heartfelt words.. its so true isnt it! We never truly know where other peoples journeys have taken them and what they have learnt along the way. I am grateful for how these losses have taught me empathy and given me a much deeper understanding of how hard it can be to have a family... xx

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