a legacy of love

This weekend we farewelled darling Sara-Jo. She was such a beautiful person both outside and in - the girl with the biggest heart.
I have spent the week in tears, devastated at the loss of this cherished wife, mama and friend who left us in such a sudden and heartbreaking way.
I have also spent the week in deep surrender. Oh how we know in our heads that life is a fleeting thing, we know in our heads that any moment could be our last. 
But do we live it?
Do we breath that thought?
Does it echo in our minds when we snap at our babies, or argue that point over and over with our spouse or when we speak harshly to a friend or colleague?
This week I surrendered my desire for a beautifully presented house and nicely ordered life and replaced it with a desire to love.
To treasure my husband, my children and the people God brings into my life and to make them my priority. 
To give of myself more, even when it hurts.

Ultimately... my desire above anything is to honour God with my life, with all those moments that make up my day. To live every minute as my last so that my life will be a testimony of His goodness, grace and mercy.

Because, really, my house is not going to stand up at my funeral and tell everyone what an amazing job I did at keeping it tidy. I pray though that God will use those extra minutes instead for His glory and for His purposes and not my own. 
I'm not talking about living in squalor here... I'm just saying its time to reprioritise and focus on the eternal  more than the momentary.

Whether, then, you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.

1 Corinthians 10:31

I am so determined not to forget this, I pray Sara Jo's legacy will be evident in the lives of all her knew her, that we all may be known as one who loved and gave without reserve.

An overwhelmed heart

These last few weeks have been tough. 
Really tough.

Our beautiful sister suffered a stroke a month ago. An unexpected, hard to stomach shock that left our family reeling.

She should be ok but it will be long tiring road to recovery.

Everyday new curveballs get thrown into the mix; financial pressures, health issues and mounting uncertainties have at times left me feeling like I'm treading water desperate to keep my head above the dumping waves. 
 I too had a health scare a few weeks ago that shook me to the core and forced me to my knees. Forced me to surrender, to accept that my life is not my own, that I have placed my trust and dependency in Christ

I'm so thankful to have Someone to run to amidst the chaos... He has gently reminded me that our days  are perfectly numbered and He has us securely in the palm of His hand. 

Despite this believing and trusting its hard not to feel overwhelmed, to rest securely and peacefully in the knowing.

I  turned again to this verse... this truth that never fails to restore and comfort my soul.

From the ends of the earth I call to you when my heart is overwhelmed; lead me to the rock that is higher than I - (Psalm 61:2)

It is so reassuring to know we are not alone.. never left to sink. We have a rock that we can cling to while the turmoil and waves crash around us. 
While the circumstances may not change, and life may not take the direction we would choose, we are not abandoned amidst the pain... 
As my beautiful friend reminded me yesterday
'I have set the Lord always before me. Because He is at my right hand I shall not be shaken.'  (Psalm 16:8)

I pray my friend that you too will know His peace, and His grace will sustain you with whatever you may be facing this week

xxx

THE TRUE ART OF HAPPINESS

I was shocked beyond words when my son walked into my room the other day and caught me smiling at something I was reading.

'MUM!' he exclaimed,' you are smiling!'

'What do you mean?  I smile often'

'Yeah.. but not like that... not with you mouth open and your eyes happy'.

Gasp.

Those words tore at my heart.

I would have considered myself a happy person. I have been through enough loss and hardship to learn that circumstances cannot determine my happiness. Its been a battle hard won. 

One I had refused to concede. But, it seems, unwittingly, I have. 

Despite my very best intentions, I have become overwhelmed with the little things -  the small stuff I know not to sweat. 

The look of my home has become more important than the look of my heart. And thats not ok.

You see, too often I gauge my happiness on what's right in front of me, how stressful my situation is right now instead of looking at the big picture. I need to remember to step back, take a big breath and be thankful. 

Yes... life sure is crazy hard at times. Sleepless nights, hormonal teenagers, grumpy children and a restless baby can be tough going. 

I got a slap in the face reminder about what true happiness looks like and where it comes from

I can be happy regardless of my situation because I know that my happiness is centered on so much more than what happens to be staring at me from moment to moment.
Because my happiness is centered in my Father in Heaven. 
He alone gives me all the security, joy and validation I need ~ when I am anxious, lonely, or overwhelmed I can fall on Him and find true honest joy in the safety of His arms.
Regardless of circumstance.

Psalm 61:2 says ...From the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

There is Someone on who I can lean when life gets too much... too busy and stressful and hard.

This means that the true happiness I experience is not dictated to by the noise level of my children, the extent of my finances, how many friends I have, how tidy and clean my house is, how lovely my garden looks, or how many times my husband thinks to buy me flowers.... yadda, yadda, yadda

(don't get me wrong.. flowers are lovely and do help me feel pretty amazing! Tim... wink wink!!) 

It means that in the absence of these things I can still be joyful and happy.

Because I know that everything that I am experiencing now is only temporary, life here on earth will pass by so quickly and the stuff that seemed so huge and overwhelming will suddenly appear so insignificant in the light of eternity. 

A number of years ago I began a journal that recorded the loss of three of our babies. In it I made a deliberate effort to find the small moments of beauty I could be thankful for, when life constantly felt like a series of heartaches and agonies. It was amazing to me that there was still so much around me that was breathtaking in its goodness when it could have so easily been the opposite. It has been refreshing to read back through this and be reminded of how much joy there is in our day to day life if only we take the time out to find it. 

This in essence is what true happiness looks like. It is evident in one who understands that life is so much more than the here and now. That the burdens of everyday - whether they are mammoth or somewhat smaller - are momentary. That it is the eternal purposes that are the only ones truly worth pursuing. 

x

Violet May

Miscarriage

a word that stirs huge emotion.

I always felt sad whenever I heard it... grateful that I had never had to experience it for myself but achy for those that had.

We had called time on our baby having days and I was so relieved that despite a few 'heart in mouth' moments in the early weeks of some of my pregnancies we had never  had to deal with the pain of losing any of our babies.

2010 was a very painful year for us in so many many ways. A year of loss. Financial, emotional and material loss. We lost our home....our business... our lifestyle... our confidence.  

And we lost our baby.

A baby we were not expecting but delighted in just the same. A baby we thought would take our minds off the trauma of the past two years and the trauma we knew was still coming.

I had returned to full time work for the first time in 13 years out of necessity and while it was extremely difficult balancing my priorities it was a great time of learning and growing. I hated being away from my children and not being there when they were sick and sad but it made me extremely grateful for the many years I had been privileged to be with them all day every day.

Five months into my job I unexpectedly fell pregnant. And got very very sick. Sicker than I had ever been with any of my babies before. I put it down to working full time and my heavier stress load and tried to soldier on. It didn't work. I was forced to give up my job  and for the next three months I could barely move. Scans were done to rule out twins and everything was deemed fine.
 I breathed a sigh of relief and moved into my next trimester with a happy heart.

My four month checkup came around and I remember the morning so clearly. I woke feeling fantastic and rejoicing that the worst was over and ecstatic that we would hear a teeny weeny heartbeat today. My 4 year old and I went out for coffee and fluffy and talked excitedly about seeing the midwife and hearing our baby... and off we went to that much anticipated appointment. 

Except there was no heartbeat. Nothing but the sound of my own heart and an eerily quiet womb.

My heart stopped. 

I prayed and begged and prayed that miraculously we would hear the sound we had longed for. Our midwife tried again and again but there was silence.
We arranged to meet at the hospital later that day and it was the longest day of my life.
We were heartbroken when the ultrasound revealed that our baby had passed away a couple of weeks earlier. Our unexpected, darling, cherished baby was safe in the arms of Jesus and I rejoiced knowing I would see her again one day but my arms ached literally knowing I would never feel her dear wee body this side of heaven.

We named our baby Violet May 

I never knew the pain of losing a baby from a miscarriage could be so utterly devastating. I had imagined it would be hard but I never would have believed just how hard... 

I learnt so much from those early weeks of grieving. I became completely dependent on my Saviour.. I knew that He had a purpose in this even though I had no idea what it could be. His ways are perfect even when we can't make sense of them. His love is infinite and overwhelming in it's goodness. 
I learnt that I could praise Him in this storm.
That I would not drown... or be left to tread water... His hand would constantly uphold me and I would be ok.

Hard lessons.
Painful lessons.
But... vitally important lessons.


It took another 6 months before we were told it was safe to try for another baby if we wanted to - we had subsequently  found out that the reason we had lost her was because I had suffered from a partial molar pregnancy - she would never have made it full term. 
{This condition is considered a pre-cancerous which meant over the next six months I had to have constant blood tests to check my hormone levels and make sure I was safe}
We prayed a lot about whether we should try again and sought His wisdom and guidance. We eventually decided that we would and were so happy when a year to the day of that last positive test ~ another test revealed new life once again.

This wee baby went to Jesus at only 7 weeks.
Five months later another dear babe at 8 weeks.

Such pain... such grief... but throughout it all... such dependence on our Saviour,  that His ways are perfect. Again we trusted in His sovereign will in our lives and in the lives of our dear children.

I am so thankful for this chapter in our lives... a time of growth and maturing in our faith... a strengthening and cementing of our marriage... a teaching and growing time for our children who were deeply affected  throughout this journey... and an opportunity to learn just how precious and fragile life is. 
Not one day should ever be taken for granted.

My daily source of inspiration and wisdom over this period came in the form of a book I was gifted by a dear friend. Ann Voscamp taught me so much  about contentment, about grace, about happiness regardless of circumstance, about Gratitude.
Choosing to daily fill my heart with ALL that He freely gives and to live Fully.
 This verse became my mantra.

'Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything with prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your heart and your minds in Christ Jesus..... For I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content'
Philippians 4:6-7 and 11

~
I found this prayer I wrote after our third baby passed away;

Hold me today Father in your everlasting arms, calm the aching grief of my heart as I once again hand over a tiny babe into Your arms.
Help me Father to redeem my time wisely and to hold to what is truly valuable in life.
Thank you for this heartbreaking but vital reminder to cherish my beautiful family, to hold this precious life as a fragile bubble and to remain thankful of every moment. To slow down.
Cradle my babes in Your arms Jesus until I can hold them myself.
Thank you for teaching me, holding me and for loving me with unconditional love.
In Your name.

Amen.
xx